The Case of the Misshapen Head

The following is to be read aloud ONLY by Proper English Gentlemen,
The rest of you may read along quietly:

It was quarter past the 22nd hour and all was still but the wind and willows. The night sang its sleepy song to the slumbering ears of a certain Felix Ferdinand II whilst a can of vegetable beef soup sat, spinning in the micro. The can of soup is not important though; forget that it was ever mentioned. In any event, the can of soup sat, spinning and cooking whilst a certain Felix Ferdinand II lay slumbering about dark and swirly things. To be particular, she dreamed that her head was sorely misshapen and was caving in on her brain. This Felix Ferdinand II, in her bleak and ghastly state, etched a frown upon her lips and tried to shew the thought away. Alas, the can of soup, which again, should have no weight in this tale, was finished and had been poured into a bowl. Felix Ferdinand II returned to the land of consciousness, still grimacing. The dream, she realized as she slowly felt the back of her head, had come true! Her fingers told the story; her head was sorely misshapen and inward it was caving! By this time, the ever persistent bowl of soup had made its way down the hall and into the bedroom where the Damsel was riveted in her distress. It wasn't hard to piece together, since the corners of her mouth nearly touched her toes. The bowl of soup was hastily clanked upon a dresser, sloshing about in its way. Felix Ferdinand II sat up and began to cry. Much to its chagrin, the bowl of soup was made to wait. There, upon her bed; upon her basilisk of comfort, the Damsel was wracked with her new yet ever present distress. This was the highest offense that nature could conjure. For the place Felix Ferdinand II wished most for comfort, was the exact place where she found none. It was that misshapen head of hers that caused the discord and discomfort. The bowl of soup was cooling. It was then the Damsel found loving arms and wept her tears of weep. Those loving arms had loving hands that wiped the weep from her cheeks. These loving arms were also attached to a loving body, complete with a loving head. Ironically, Felix Ferdinand II found, this head was shaped just like hers! It was sudden then, that a thought came streaming in; she had never really touched the back of her head before this night. In fact, as she felt the loving head, her own became more shapen than mis. The soup was still waning in its bowl. "All heads must be like this!" the Damsel chimed. She also found that what she called caving, most call a tension headache. So, off she went, back to sleep; back to listening to midnight's sweet melody. Not to dream of dark and swirlies but of marshmallow paddies and chocolate moonlight. The wind continued its dance through the willows and the bowl of soup, that was never forgotten, finally found its home.

The End.

Felix Ferdinand I

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Cold toes, an Upset Stomach, and Facebook quotes

Gilgamesh - Abridged

So basically Gilgamesh is a part god that is super strong and loves women and Enkidu is a beefy monkey man with the hair of a lady(created to be an equal to Gilgamesh and distract him from Uruk and doing bad things) that is not so into women; and they fight, then they are friends.... they slay a fire breathing monster together.
Ishtar goddess of love wants to marry Gilgamesh but then he says "oh you are too fickle for me" and refuses... which is funny to me because he was a manslut before and totally fickle from the sounds of it....lol
Ishtar sent her bull of heaven to kill Gilgamesh and Enkidu helps Gilgamesh kill it.

and they rested.

after giving it's heart which they cut out to Shamash who was one of the gods that gave Gilgamesh his unsurpassed beauty :P
but... the fact that he killed the bull made the gods angry so they declared that one of them should die... after having a nightmare Enkidu monkey man with lady's hair passes away (of course he is the only one with morals here) and Gilgamesh is sad

so then he decides that he wants to live forever and goes to search for the secret of immortality from Utnapishtim, the Mesopotamian Noah that the gods granted with everlasting life.

Gilgamesh finds Noah (Utnapishtim) and is told the story of the flood
so then Utnapishtim tells Gilgamesh about this awesome plant that is at the bottom of the ocean, so he opens a channel out of the garden and floats into the ocean... he ties rocks to his feet and sinks to the water-bed. then he grabs the plant (even though the thorns hurt his hand) and then cuts the stones off his feet... the sea spits him out and there is a ferryman-Urshanabi. he tells him about this plant and how it will make old men young again and how he will share it with all of the old men of Uruk and eat it himself and then become young again.....
so then the ferryman-Urshanabi and Gilgamesh travel twenty leagues then eat, then at thirty leagues they decide maybe it's time for a rest. so they sleep for the night.
so then Gilgamesh was awake i guess and saw a well of cold water, he went to take a bath in it... but little did he know there was a serpent in the depths of it that thought the plant smelled nice.
and so it stole the flower, "sloughed" its skin and returned to the depths of the well.... then Gilgamesh started to cry.... Urshanabi is there and Gilgamesh takes his hand and cries, saying something to the effect of "oh Urshanabi, after all this work and wringing out my heart's blood i lose the flower, why??? i have gotten nothing for myself out of this....but the beast of the earth has what i want now....and by now the water would have carried it back to where i found it! let's leave the boat and go."
and so the destiny was fulfilled...Enlil of the mountain told Gilgamesh," kingship was his destiny, not everylasting life. so do not be sad or feel oppressed... you have given supremacy over the people, victory in battle, and you give darkness or light to mankind.... don't use this power for the wrong reasons, be just with your servants in your palace and 'deal justly before the face of the Sun' ".... the end